I have a sordid past when it comes to remote control or RC cars.  Current technology already allows for actual full sized cars to be driven remotely, started remotely, and sooner than I would prefer to happen, driverless cars will be on the roads.  This will allow for all the passengers to do various tasks while the car is in motion including putting on makeup, reading a newspaper, sending text messages, drinking a hot toddy, eating a gyro, finishing paperwork, doing pilates.  Before, the driver had to do all these things and drive the vehicle at the same time.  That was a primitive age.

But maybe this all goes back to the RC cars I knew well as a kid.  Every Christmas, my brother and I would look through the various holiday toy catalogues which I suspect most parents hated having in their homes.  I imagine the scene in Harry Potter in which the letters are being sent to him and his uncle tries desperately to keep the mail from reaching Harry.  Parents across the country were probably trying their hardest to destroy the catalogues, but no matter how they tried, the catalogues would find a way in and suddenly the kids were all going to Hogwarts.

Nearly every year, we would choose an RC car and place it on our Christmas list.  We were spoiled and we seemed to think it was perfectly fine to have a list that consisted of items totaling $1000. Though we didn’t get everything we asked for, we certainly got more than we deserved.  In terms of the cost of our presents, I suspect that our parents dealt drugs on the side.  That would explain the shoes that were hanging over the telephone line by the house.

Among the items on the Christmas list was a remote control car.  Not one car.  One car for each of us.  And we wanted one every year.  Why, you ask?  I’m so glad you did.

1. They made newer, cooler ones every year.
2. The cars we had would stop working.
3. The batteries would stop charging.
4. The remote control would stop working.
5. We got way too much stuff and we took advantage of our parents.

One year, 1993 maybe, I asked for the Tyco Python.  Tyco, a company that made RC cars that would inevitably stop working in a rapid fashion (probably they are a subsidiary of Chrysler), developed the Python which was supposed to be EXTREME.  The commercial said so.  Why would they lie?  Next you’re going to tell me I can’t throw my Nerf Vortex out of a football stadium.

It was supposed to have 6 volt turbo jet power.  Sounded powerful to me.  It was supposed to be unstoppable no matter where it traveled.  And when you touched a certain button, a plastic python would spring erect from the car top and shoot water at unsuspecting targets.  What more could a kid want?  Apparently a lot, but let’s move on.

You may be thinking, is it good to mix electronic equipment with water?  It’s one thing to get mouthwash in your vacuum from the 1960s. Apparently, they could handle anything.  By the 80s, water and electronics really weren’t supposed to mix, but I was too enamored with selling points of the commercial to consider that type of thing.

Meanwhile, my brother asked for a stupid RC car that looked like a sports car and when the button was pressed, the car expanded vertically like it was jacked up.  I don’t know why he thought that was so cool or why he still owns the thing as a 30 something year old man.

Christmas morning, we each got the RC car we asked for and after we waited the 96 hours for the batteries to charge (it seemed like 96), our dad took us to the middle school parking lot.  I was so pumped when I laid the car down and did some quick laps.  It was EXTREME.  That elation soon disappeared and was replaced with the tragedy of what is now known as the Tyco Python Ultimate Christmas Disaster of 1993.  I really tried to make the name shorter, but anything less seemed an insult to the Python.

After driving the car around for about 20 seconds, my brother began tailing my car with his and chased it.  The next moment has been debated between the witnesses of that day, but I stand by my version since it is the truth.  He pushed my car from the inside and made it run into the tire of my dad’s vehicle.  The Tyco Python died instantly and never drove again.

My ultimate point here is, if they can’t make a RC car that will work for more than one minute in 1993, then how do they expect to make cars driverless now?  I hope they aren’t involving Tyco or Chrysler.