You have never really experienced board or card games until you’ve played them with your own kids.  From cheating to whining to fighting to yelling to crying to elation and despair, playing games with your kids is quite the roller coaster ride.  These games seem harmless up front.  They seduce us with graphic depictions of candy, money, houses and other things that seem magical, but are all false in reality.  One such game touts itself as the “Kingdom of Sweet Adventures”.  Sounds promising.

My boys, currently 5 and 3 years old, have a fascination with Candyland.  I once did myself.  After purchasing a more recent edition of the game, I came to find it wasn’t at all what I had remembered it to be.  And if you were to ask me what I remembered about the game I would say it seemed more complicated, more exciting, and overall different that what it is today.  Maybe I am wrong or mis-remembering.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  For the many years, I was convinced REO Speedwagon sang “Stroke Me” and then I was corrected by a friend.  It was, in fact, Billy Squier.  My good friend wasn’t Billy Squier, but Billy was the singer I had mixed up.  I will argue that in Billy Madison they were playing the song “Stroke Me” and Billy (Madison, not Squier) was wearing a REO Speedwagon shirt at the same time and this forged an unholy connection within my brain when I was young.  Or I am just an idiot.

The point is I could probably research how the game of Candyland was played back in the early 90s, but I don’t feel like it.  Once I got beyond my dislike of the changes I thought had been made, we began playing and it continues to be a cluster each and every time.  So here are the rules of Candyland, from a child’s point of view.

How to Play/Win:
1. It is extremely important to be the one to open the game box.
2. If you did not get to open the game box, it is critical that you be the one to fold open the game board.  To miss both of these opportunities will shame you and your family.
3. You must not choose a different color playing piece than the other players.  It is always best start crying and yelling in order to lay your claim to the piece you want.  Do not compromise.
4. Even though adults will tell you the youngest person has the first turn, this is false.  The one who argues the most over this point may sway the adults to change their ways.
5. If a player gets a card with double colors shown, he should attempt to move 3 like spaces of that color instead of 2.  Surely, no one will notice and you will be one step closer to the Bi-Frost (Rainbow Bridge).  Thor awaits you there to present his hammer.
6. If a player draws more than one card, the player will look at each of these cards and pick the one they like the best, particularly if it shows a candy/treat which will advance the player significantly in the game.  If anyone argues with you, cut them.
7. If an adult ruins your chances of winning by claiming you are cheating and someone else wins the game, you must immediately do one of the following: A. Call for an immediate replaying of the game, B. Throw a fit until the adult puts the game away while you scream and cry so much that you ultimately end up in time-out (because this game is so important it is worth any consequence), C. Throw the game cards across the room and hit your brother (if you have no brother, any person will do).

A kingdom of sweet adventures indeed.