For the purposes of anonymity and avoiding reprisal from my enemies like Batman, the following transcript will use these identifiers: Me (for me, obviously) and Tiger (my wife, because she can kill me very easily and has a rare stripe pattern on her skin like a Bengal tiger).

Me: Do you want to listen to some music?

Tiger: Sure.

Me: 90s, 80s, Guardians of the Galaxy, what are you feeling?

Tiger: I don’t know. I’m kinda feeling down today.

Me: Oh, well we can fix that. How about something bright and happy?

Tiger: Ok.

Me: Something light and melodic?

Tiger: Yeah, sure.

Me: Yeah, sure or yeah, sir?

Tiger: (gives death stare)

Me: (gives toothy Arnold smile from T2)

Tiger: Just play something.

Me: (gives measured salute, proceeds to put on Radiohead “No Surprises”)

Tiger: (eyebrows draw in)

Me: (awaits moment of death)

Tiger: What is this?!

Me: Ummm…yeah, I think….let me see…Radiohead.

Tiger: (shows claws, goes for face)

Me: (realizes the song title is true, stops breathing, becomes one with the Force)

Tiger: (paws at empty clothes with body no longer present, returns to Star Destroyer to rule the galaxy)

True story.

She hates Radiohead. Something about how (IHO – in her opinion) it sounds like pure depression and how it is offensive to her ears. Not really sure what she said because I stopped listening after the first part. It is a travesty that she can’t get on board with amazing music. If a middle-aged man such as myself feels like kicking back and getting lost in the dulcet tones of Radiohead while burning incense and nursing an alcoholic beverage, he should be allowed that.  And if someone else in the house doesn’t like that, iit will be me who acquiesces. This means I have to listen to their music by myself in the car, or in her presence with headphones, or if she is asleep. Sleep, Tiger, sleep.

Family Guy has a quick reference to a mom that hates Radiohead which is eerily similar to her response. Go check it out on YouTube.

The cuts only go deeper from here. Friends, she hates Amanda Palmer. Who? Don’t say that. How would Amanda feel if she read this and thought I was suggesting she wasn’t that well-known? I am not asking you to travel back in time to be aware of her when you read her name mentioned here. Just know she sings what I deem to be enjoyable music. Her stuff comes up on one of my playlists fairly often and all I hear are negative comments from my wife suggesting that Amanda is “my girlfriend” and childish nonsense of this ilk. 

For individual workouts or dance parties with my kids I turn to new wave retro music/ synthwave. If you like songs with synthesizers, a 1980s vibe, early Nintendo and video game music, and are alive, you should check this out. Yet no matter how pumped me and the kids are blasting these tunes, my boys attempting to breakdance and me attempting to not break myself while dancing, there is someone around to ruin the fun. And I married her. So if anything, this whole thing is kinda on me now that I have had time to think about it. If only I had listened to this in front of her when we started dating things could have turned out so differently. As they used to say in my childhood, knowledge is power and half the battle.

But wait, let’s go one more. And this one stings the most. She can’t stand one of my favorite bands, Coheed and Cambria. Who? Quit saying that. Don’t make me come through the internet. It all comes down to the lead singer’s voice. Or at least, that is what she argues when the subject comes up. Too high, doesn’t like it. She doesn’t mind Freddy Mercury, Adam Levine, Prince, Frank Valli or The Bee Gees. Which proves her argument is invalid and because you all agree with me on this, we have a majority who have spoken and she will now be forced to admit she is either secretly a fan or she detests them for some other reason. Let the record show I have won this marital debate and let’s move on to the other big music questions.

What did my wife say when I told her Bob Dylan’s son was the lead singer for The Wallflowers (after man-splaining that Uncle Kracker did not sing “One Headlight”)? Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.