Today I was called in for a pro bono physical therapy evaluation and treatment session. I would provide an explanation of the treatment approaches I used, but therapy documentation takes up most of my life. So when the opportunity came to do some therapy without being required by regulations to write the details of the treatment, I have decided to give this documentation a hard pass.

The case which was to be assessed was not unknown to me. In fact, I was the cause. Thankfully, since this visit would never be sent to insurance for reimbursement, I did not have to look through lines of ICD 10 coding to find the appropriate diagnosis entry for Cervical pain, due to muscle spasm, due to excessive laughter, due to looking at idiot husband, initial encounter, not classified elsewhere. The updated coding is so detailed, this diagnosis might actually be out there. Let me know if any of you all find it. The prize is being a medical nerd.

It is not everyday that I find myself providing therapy interventions for my wife after making my wife laugh so hard that she had a spasm in her back which led to severe neck pain the next day. This is actually a first in the household. And unfortunately, I can’t take credit for some amazing joke being the cause of the laughter. At best, my comedy has led to my wife having episodes of stress incontinence. I can’t confirm this for certain as she will only say the words “stop, you are going to make me pee my pants”. And that in itself is a worthy goal a person should be proud to achieve. However, laughter creating bodily harm is in a whole different league.

I recognize the teasing here, dangling the juicy details just out of reach. Hopefully, that makes for a better story and if not, I guess you can skip to the embarrassing part. I would prefer to skip it myself, but I also see why it is entertaining and you have to be willing to make fun of yourself if you regularly do so of others. 

Let me set the stage:

1. It was around 10 pm. This part is for the police in the event a timeline is necessary for any future cases. I am not a crime expert, but I know they always run down a timeline. Oh, just by chance if it matters to someone, I don’t think any crime was committed here. Unless it was a crime of fashion. Of that, I plead guilty by reason of insanity.
2. We had finished an episode of Stranger Things (season 2) and I would like to note a few things:
   1. This is our fourth time through the series, so haters back off.
   2. My wife keeps falling asleep while we are watching the show, especially when we try to watch a second episode in one night.
   3. I’m trying to stall in order to avoid describing the details regarding myself in this story.
3. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop writing a previous post. You are welcome, obviously. 
4. I was wearing red and black wool socks, kind of a cabin/buffalo plaid/moose theme. Hot, oh I know. Believe me, I know.
5. I was wearing my glasses. Yes, I have glasses. Yes, it was a recent development. Yes, they are just for reducing eye strain from staring at screens all day. No, I don’t have any more details to share about them.
6. I was wearing my wireless earbuds. Why? Thanks for asking. I was trying to drown out the random noises coming from my wife scrolling on Instagram through listening to music like The Bangles “Hazy Shade of Winter”. 

One year, I asked for a pair of wireless earbuds. The gift giver ignored that request and spoke with one of my so-called friends who suggested the type he uses which are connected in the back with a curved piece which probably has a technical name I am not familiar with, but let’s just call it the part that presses uncomfortably into the back of your head if you try to lie down with them on. And the reason he likes them so well is mainly because they are cheap and so is my friend. He keeps saying he will read these posts, but he never does. However, his wife does and I think she will appreciate me calling him out on the internet. By the way, the sound quality and all that other stuff is great, I just had to get the rest off my chest.

7. Speaking of chests, mine was bare. I did not have a shirt on because the wool socks had raised my temperature to the point of nearly sweating so I had to remove some garments.
8. Also regarding a lack of garments, I was in my boxer briefs only. And let’s just say, I am not in perfect shape. My shapeliness is between me and my doctor.

So when I stood up and walked around with the wireless bluetooth earbuds hanging around my neck, glasses on, naked chest, muffin top popping out everywhere, boxer briefs covering the bare necessities, tip-toeing on the wood flooring with red and black moose socks, apparently this tickled her. Tickled her so much that she was choking on her laughter. Something about the sight of me in all my glory looking like I was night-trading stocks in my socks and underwear made her body spasm and wrench her neck. I am thankful the children were already asleep. There are some things they should not be witness to. 

With all that said, I would like to announce that I will be looking strongly into the possibility of creating an OnlyFans page where I can flaunt what I’ve got and be monetarily rewarded by people who support me instead of being mocked and laughed at by people who can’t watch two episodes of a show without falling asleep.

Update: OnlyFans has reached out and has requested that I reconsider bringing my “unique” entertainment to their prestigious site.

Editor’s Note: My wife does not believe my words regarding the visage of my pale overflowing body in the lamp light with the ebony earbud device hanging around the back of my neck do justice to what she bore witness. Since I have not the words, I will use hers when she said, “You look like a dumbass.”