Rub my eyes to remove the illusion.
Even science can’t reach a conclusion.
Magic, the word is whispered, but from where?
Galadriel, is that you, narrating my thoughts up there?

Deceived I was from true and proper focus.
Could this be some kind of elven hocus pocus.
Focus by Hocus Pocus, remember that song?
Quirky, instrumental, yodels, its run time long?

Right, right I have deviated from my motive.
Like a runaway, derailing locomotive.
Maybe you did not expect that rhyme ma chérie.
Misjudgment doesn’t suit you mon frère ami.

Drop a little French, unexpected and cunning.
Steer clear or you’ll be struck by my punning.
Totally en-prosed, unable to escape, I call this poem a haik-you,
Since the syllables are personal. For you things will get worse.
In parallel dimensions, time after time my words keep rocking you,
Line after line, can’t stop cause I’m all about that multiverse.

Stop.

I got carried away, lost my sense of time and space.
Poetry should be left for authors with a sense of grace.
After what happened, my wife I couldn’t face her,
She was not amused by the magic eraser.

People know that I am not really a name-dropper. That being said…

Willow Ufgood. Obi-wan Kenobi. Harry Potter. Gandalf. Merlin.

What do these characters have in common? Yes, they are all male-gendered. Yes, they are all white. Yes, I agree. We could use some diversity here. However, that was not the answer I was looking for. Also, they all have odd names. Sure, except for HP, but even his name has a vaguely funny/dirty sound to it. The answer I was looking for? Magic.

Willow was a magician. Wait, do you guys know who WIllow is? If not, you need to stop reading this and go watch WIllow. And don’t send me any nasty messages. You are an adult and you make your own choices. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, those magic acorns he had that turned things to stone. He wasted them and then used one against the main villain whose name I always get confused with bavarois, balaclava, and baklava. Was she a dessert? Was she an article of clothing? No, she was a sorceress. Anyway, she was only temporarily affected by the acorn and then returned to her normal state. So Willow never used a magic acorn to any real effect. I’m just saying the movie invested a lot of time in those acorns considering nothing really happened with them. And it turns out Willow was not a magician who does real magic. He was more of an amateur stage magician who is kind of booed off the stage during a performance early in the film and finally pulls a “magic” trick at the end on Queen Bavaria causing her demise, not because the trick is good, but because the trick makes her rage out.

Also, what is the deal with all of the different titles for people who do magic? Magician. Normally used for people in the real world who perform illusions, sleight of hand, pulling scarves out of their mouth, coaxing a rabbit out of a hat, like that guy from the Frosty the Snowman special. Then we have the word wizard. As far as I can tell, it is only used for NBA basketball players from one specific franchise or when discussing a fictional character who uses actual magic and is a man. If the person shares all of these traits, but is female, she is not referred to as a wizard. Witch is the default option, but it is quite confusing. You have a fictional witch as in the world of Harry Potter and other works like Hocus Pocus. Yet, in the real world we also have witches. Then we have the second term for a female magic user, sorceress. This is used in books, films, TV, and video games. However, no one attempts to explain appropriate usage. And we have the male version of the same word, sorcerer. How? Why? Wait, it gets even more convoluted. In some spell circles, there is a specific word for a male witch. Warlock. If that didn’t muddy the waters enough, there are also the terms mage, necromancer, conjurer, and enchanter. Is anybody listening to me?

Star Wars has what I would call magic. The franchise calls it the Force. Boy, do they ever. They won’t stop talking about it. Obi-Wan has a whole lecture about it in A New Hope. They describe it like a natural phenomena. What is the difference between someone who can use the Force and a mutant like Jean Grey? Basically the Force is telekinesis and telepathy. Both come from inside the body, one being genetics and the other being something I wish I wasn’t about to mention. The Phantom Menace really clubbed us over the head with all that garbage about the midichlorians. George Lucas, you can keep that on your ranch along with Hayden Christensen. Decent society can do without both.

Mostly, I would say there is very little magic in the world, but there are a few examples:
Santa. Obviously.
Wiping after a poo and the TP being clean.
I lied. No number 3. That’s it.

But now there is a number 3. I might go so far as to say ‘tis a gift. Something about using it on our enemies, but no it is too dangerous and uncontrollable. Wait, are we all still talking about the same object? There are so many positives about this item I don’t even know where to begin. What is a way to represent all of the reasons why it is great? If only there was a format or structure for this kind of discussion.

TOP 5 LIST

It is compact. About the size of an eraser.
It disappears as you use it, so there is no cleanup and it defies that law about not being able to destroy matter. This thing tells science to kiss its arse.
It is cheap. When I tell you what it can do, you will know what a huge bargain it is.
It doesn’t require proof of age with purchase or signing a waiver because of imminent danger.
It fixed what ten other products in my house could not.

But truthfully, there are some dangers. At first, I thought it was the most amazing, under-appreciated and underrated product I have ever used. Within seconds of applying it to the smudge-filled, pen-marked, scuff-laden bits of wall in my house, the eye sores vanished. So I launched myself at the task, taking care of the kitchen, bathroom and hallway walls. But I couldn’t stop. What else could it do? I used it on my outstanding credit card charges. I wrote down all the things I said in the last 24 hours I wish I could take back. I wiped away my student debt. I fixed the damage to the front end of my car. I took back the Chumbawumba CD I own, that fedora I never wore, my entire freshman year of high school, and the terrible fiction stories I authored and submitted to writing contests. Each mistake, each eye sore, each error, gone.

Why would that be a problem?

Because at the moment the artifact touches a single thing, you will have a half life, just as Voldemort. Shit, I said his name. Let me use the artifact. Whew, disaster averted. It is like Back to the Future. You have to avoid every unwanted advance from your mom who thinks you are a different person because you are now in the past and so she doesn’t recognize you are her son from the future. Okay, okay. Not that part of the movie. It’s like the part about the photographs slowly fading away. After using the artifact to fix everything in my life, I noticed the framed pictures on the walls and I was disappearing from them. Soon, my physical body was fading as well, my hands could not touch or grasp a thing. I began to phase through the walls and floors. I found myself in a subway (not the restaurant) trying to learn how to contact bits of the real world like aluminum cans from none other than Vincent Schiavelli.

The journey was long and arduous because that is a vocabulary word I remember we learned in school one time.

I’m here to tell you, this shard of magic comes with a steep price. And not just because of inflation. It is the emotional and physical price that must be paid. Fix all of your troubles and mistakes it may, but you will no longer be there to enjoy the spoils. Mr. Clean, that sultry Adonis, the Devil’s hand, trickster bald guy, Vin Diesel’s house-keeping obsessed doppelganger. Yes, the artifact I speak of is his magic eraser. And I urge you to consider one thing before you fall into his trap.

Ask yourself why you seek the magic eraser. Is it for his glory or for yours?