When we (not you and me, that would be weird) were dating, my wife and I liked to watch the late night infomercials for fitness items that would claim outrageous health benefits. One such device was a set of electrodes that could be attached to the abdominal muscles and the electrical stimulation would supposedly activate the trunk muscles and help develop that all important six-pack. But this only describes the tip of the iceberg my friends.

In my middle-school ages, we owned an abdominal exercise machine that looked like part of the Green Goblin’s flying apparatus. You know, the one that Willem Defoe accidentally killed himself with in Spider-Man? Instead of military-grade materials, it was child-grade plastic. One was meant to hold the outer part of the equipment while pressing the center plastic block against one’s midsection forcing it to retract into the housing of the machine against (spring?) resistance. Or maybe it was fall resistance. If you are confused, just Google AbFlex. Basically the idea was to push a hard piece of plastic unnaturally against your stomach until you got a hernia. We also had an “ab roller wheel” which turned out to be the world’s fastest way to strain an abdominal muscle. 

Around 8th grade, I was obsessed with golf and watching hours of paid programming. I was convinced down to my soul that I needed these items. One was a driver with bits of diamond bonded to the titanium club face. But wait, that’s not all. It also had a club shaft made out of kevlar. Yes, that is correct. Kevlar, the material used for bulletproof vests. Because you never know when someone is going to pull out their piece on the course and you need to be able to protect yourself from intended or stray gunfire. And the diameter was so large it made the sound of a wiffle ball bat and you could feel the air resistance through the entirety of the swing. It was a legal club and I would have probably made it to the PGA Tour had my wife not taken one swing at the golf range and damned if she didn’t break the club head off that sweet diamond dwelling driver. In her world, there is only room for one driver, and his name is Adam.

Today, what I would like to discuss is a product I bought for my wife to help with her complaints of hand weakness and related symptoms. If I was documenting her grip strength as a therapist I would probably enter something like “95 year old lady strength.” Let me preface the upcoming loving review of said product by stating the actual devices in the toolkit are perfectly fine for hand strengthening.

Now, the problem with this product is all related to the ridiculous health claims and the fact the product came from a different country and it appears they didn’t have a person available to translate the instructions who knew English well. Let’s take a look at how they wrote the enclosed manual.

Page 1

Company Name which I am leaving out because.

“Instruction(Flexibility)”

I would describe this as a riddle. Unfortunately, Batman and Robin would not accept my calls. Also, I sent for the Rosetta Stone and what came through the mail was a series of CD-ROMs for learning Japanese. No arigato gozaimasu.

Page 2

Are you supposed to grip it upside down as training for holding a revolver inverted as seen in the movie Tombstone by Powers Boothe. Is that really his name? Seems made up…

They refer to the “muscle” of the forearm and palm. You don’t have to study the musculoskeletal system for years to know there is more than one muscle there. Everything after the comma is a mess. Aside from the “exact” instead of “exactly” mix up, the extra space after the apostrophe, and the wrong possessive, this sentence is a real triumph of the English language.

Squeezing the grip trainer 30 times will make certain my one finger is in good condition? Which one? Do I have any say about which finger?

Page 3

I like how they decided to just go with “old people.” Then they have decided to refer to the exercise device as a “perfect stress relief toy.” And clearly that’s why children fell in love with it. Children love stress relief, toys, and improving their rheumatism symptoms. Obviously. Plus, they love it.

Do not adjust your electronic device, you read this correctly. “Four pictures.” Three pictures are actually shown. To top that, they completely cut off the end of the sentence and there are no other words on the page, nor does the sentence continue on another page.

Page 4

Finger Resistance Band

Most of this section will be skipped as it is low hanging fruit with basic translation errors. 

If they had asked me to write some of the instruction materials it would have turned something like this…

Guitarist player, exercise you finger with resistance band 30 times train strength and a relaxation after exercise. Because as toy for your children, they will fall in love with

Page 5 (the writer’s best work)

Grip Ring

Another sentence that decides to switch how words are provided so that sense make not do they. Secondly, it sounds like they are stating the 3 rings weigh 30, 40, and 50 lbs respectively which is not the case. Mostly I know that because the kit was reasonably priced and arrived in a small cardboard box. 120 lbs of weights would require heavy duty packaging and would have been above my pricepoint. 

There are 3 rings of different colors and different resistances. It is not my fault the writing sounds like some stereotypical and phonetically slapped together sentence from the script of an old cartoon that is ignorantly offensive toward Asian people. All I am trying to say is I don’t fell comfutable talking about this.

Physical therapy, whoo! Occupational therapy, that was a burn notice. I suggest a splint to avoid contractures. Just kidding, I love you all. I’m sure whoever wrote this masterpiece didn’t intend to leave you out. Probably, they should have used the ring exerciser so they wouldn’t forget you. See below.

“Prevent Alzheimer’s and they are perfect antidote.”

Record scratch. 

All of the therapy we have been providing for Alzheimer’s patients, the millions of dollars of funding into research for prevention, treatment, diagnosis, management, the various prescription medications available and the only necessary intervention was to give people a ring exerciser/toy? “They are perfect antidote.” To Alzheimer’s? Or to a snake bite? No one uses the word “antidote” except when it comes to reversing a poison/toxin. So many years wasted telling people to eat well, exercise and work the brain with things like sudoku, crossword puzzles, word searches and differential equations. I can’t get over it. I am going to stop writing now so I may use the grip ring and prevent potential cognitive disease from developing.

I’m back, and boy are my glutes tired. I am afraid I didn’t look at the pictures before attempting the grip ring and I thought it was supposed to be positioned elsewhere. But, I could see why my exercise method wouldn’t be an antidote for Alzheimer’s, though potentially an preventative for alien probing. 

“You can carry them no matter you are waiting for a bus, be traveling, be having class or you are office boring meeting.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. 

“Because they are small and do not disturb others. force. You can play as you like.”

What does “force.” mean? Does that qualify as a sentence? The subject “you” could be implied.  You force what? Oh. Ohh. “You can play as you like.” So I was right, you don’t use your hands for this 30 lbs one. 

Update:

After using this product for 3 days in a row, I am beginning to believe I owe an apology to the company who made this kit regarding their claim about Alzheimer’s prevention. I feel like my memory has not declined at all.

After using this product for 3 days in a row, I am beginning to believe I owe an apology to the company who made this kit regarding their claim about Alzheimer’s prevention. I feel like my memory has not declined at all.

Ah, the classics.