When I saw the words “Morning Meltdown” on my computer screen, my first thought was not of cardiorespiratory training, muscle strength and conditioning, or general fitness. To me, those words are perfectly fit for the situation that occurs in my home immediately following the completion of my children’s breakfast meal. This is especially the case for weekend days or any time they are not in school. It may be worth noting my youngest child wakes my wife and I to ask, “Is it morning-time?” or “Can I have cereal now?” almost every single day. Mostly, I feign sleep and let my wife handle the tough questions because I am a lazy sack. Sometimes, I think “Has the time passed the witching hour?” but I don’t say this out loud because it is weird and will only result in more questions from my son. And at these early times of day, I am hoping he will just give up the fight for Life cereal and stop talking. 

My oldest tends to wake a little later, but both are determined to eat as soon as humanly possible. I, on the other hand, would prefer to have my breakfast dealt in the form of superheated black coffee and eat an hour or so after that. This is really too much information, well beyond the point I am trying to make, but my professor’s syllabus in the dream I had last night warned me this assignment needed to be 1000 words or greater. So here I am, padding this piece with superfluous details.

After either of the kiddos finishes his breakfast, one of the following questions, like Thanos, is inevitable. Can I play video games? Can I watch Beyblade Burst Turbo? Can I watch a DVD? Can I watch SonicX? Can I watch Eyes Wide Shut? Now, we could say yes to most of these questions and sometimes we do. However, often we give them a negative response. Ex: Negative ghost rider, the pattern is full. No, not today, not ever. Nowhere in your incoherent response…you know the rest. 

This is where the morning meltdown rears its precious bedhead. 

I won’t go further into that story because it is full of horrors, like a waking nightmare you can’t fall asleep from. Wait, that’s not the right expression. It’s bad guys, let’s leave it at that.

The other Morning Meltdown is a workout program available online through a company that is obsessed with selling costly elixirs, potions, and such. The program is run by a peculiar lady with a penchant for whipping her hair around and gesturing to fresh music beats. Since my personality was serendipitously aligned with that of the trainer, my wife and I decided to try out one of the workouts. My wife was not really as interested in the program, but was willing to go along for the ride. 

Most workout videos include similar movements and slight variations. Ex: Lunges, squats, high knees, jump rope, burpees, mountain climbers, etc. 

However, this trainer must have obtained her exercises straight from one of the following places:

1. My childhood pool dives.
2. Observations of domestic cats doing wall parkour.
3. Jean Claude Van Damme’s cocaine-fueled training sessions.

Not sure which one it is, possibly all three. 

Here are some examples of the exercises in the program. I have also thrown in some that are fiction. I have asked Jonathan Frakes to join us for this segment to note the veracity of each. Sort of a fact or fiction, if you please.

1. Do a burpee and while in the plank position, jump and kick your heels up in the air, then return to standing.

Jonathan Frakes – This one is fact. It is based on a true story. My physician 

recommended this exercise to me to help with my scoliosis.

2. Squat, jump and while in the air, pump one knee up toward your chest while the other moves backward.

Jonathan Frakes – This one is also fact. It is a movement I saw Brent Spiner do on the 

set of Star Trek: The Next Generation many times.

3. Jump, bend knees and bring heels toward butt, spread arms back and away as if portraying Iron Man about to use his chest unibeam.

Jonathan Frakes – This one is fiction. Our writers cleverly devised this one. Just kidding, 

this one is fact. I used to perform this move as a warm up prior to doing voice work for 

Disney’s Gargoyles: The Goliath Chronicles.

Thanks Jonathan. 

Sorry guys, he had to leave the chat. Apparently, he is supposed to be making some sourdough tear and share bread with Patrick Stewart today.

There are many more exercises I haven’t had the opportunity to fail at yet, but there is still time. I have apparently reached the age at which my body cannot perform any of these movements well. I imagine from the outside I probably look like a fish out of water, flailing around in my living room to the dopest beats a middle-aged DJ who works for a fitness company can provide. 

Meanwhile, there is Jericho. She is the author of my pain and my thrashing about. She was either named after the wrestler Chris Jericho or the TV show from 2006 with Skeet Ulrich that lasted two seasons. I’m just assuming. She has too much energy. Even for a trainer, her energy level is excessive. And no amount of pre-workout, post-workout, peri-workout supplementation of the company’s various products could afford her this energy. I don’t know if the source is performance enhancing drugs or coffee enemas, but the effect is unreal. I must say coffee enemas seem unlikely because you wouldn’t go through that procedure and then choose to jump and bounce around like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, unless you were wearing some incontinence briefs. Still, after observing her, she does not appear to be wearing such garments.

Hair whipping is not an activity that has ever struck my fancy. Partially, I could blame the fact that I have never had long hair. There just isn’t enough there to whip. Maybe if I had the kind of locks she sports I would be doing the exact same thing. But she seems to draw more power and energy from the hair whipping, sort of like Sindel in Mortal Kombat, but more goal-oriented. And she seems to be almost able to levitate in the air, so perhaps the two are related. Maybe she is not from our planet. If she came from another galaxy, from a planet with different gravity and I’m not an astrophysicist, people. I can’t think of everything. That’s why I have asked Neil deGrasse Tyson to stop by. Nope, sorry. He took a hard pass.

There will be more discussions of impossible and embarrassing exercise related material to come. I have an unrealistic goal of losing 30 lbs from my starting weight and I really like food so I have set myself up for enormous success. I have to go now, Jericho is asking us to run up to a wall and do a backflip and land in a side split position, then lift ourselves off the ground using our upper bodies. Don’t worry, I called ahead to the immediate care center. They will be expecting me presently.