The subject of poor titling seems to rear its head too often for my comfort. Some of you may be blissfully unaware of these goings on and for that, I am envious. Alas, I cannot stand idly by and watch these senseless names pass before my eyes saying nothing of their mediocrities (if you read the last word with the last vowel as a long “I” it will almost feel like you are reading Wadsworth). He wrote “Paul Revere’s Ride” and although that title is not particularly funny or necessarily interesting, it is clear and concise. Plus, he had a cool beard and I am envious of that.

This idea has been festering in my mind and I think describing it to friends, family, and random people on the internet in the form of an essay feels like the remedy. My attempts at developing and being granted a TED Talk on the subject were met with no response. Recently, everything boiled after a gathering of the members of a local movie club (Yes, a movie club. Yes, I am part of it. Yes, there is an idea floating around about doing shirts for the members. That detail lets you know it’s legit.) Too legit to quit, point in fact. The infamous movie title in question, Sorcerer. 

“What’s wrong with that?” you ask.

Sit back, relax and allow me to prattle on about my ruminations.

Sorcerer is not a movie about magic, nor does it feature magic. There are no wizards, witches or warlocks. There is no necromancy, transfiguration or enchantments. There is no Sauron, Saruman, Voldemort, Bavmorda or Jafar. For the first half of the film, the consideration that there would be no actual connection to the title within the movie itself seemed plausible. But eventually, the smallest titular reference was presented, in written form, on a truck and was not verbally addressed or brought up again for the remainder of the run time.

“Why do you care so much about what it’s called?” you inquire.

Why does the sun set in the West? Why do birds fly? How do phones work? Some questions just don’t have answers. Sometimes a thing just is and we have no understanding of the reasons. 

A movie may rely on its title to do the marketing. If it’s not heavily advertised in the media, the name may be the singular factor that leads a viewer to it. So why are movies given titles after a character’s name in a story possibly unknown to the viewer. Why make it full of generic words or crowded with language unnecessary and confusing? Why would a film company release a movie with a confounding, seemingly irrelevant title after spending approximately 22 million dollars on it in the 1970s to only profit less than $7000?

Aside from a character that exists in a popular book and later becomes a movie (ex: Harry Potter and the Multiverse of Chamber Pot Madness) here are some examples of characters that are likely unknown and known unlikely to us, but were used in a title as if this would entice us to waste our time and money on tickets and concessions. If you viewed them on a streaming service, as a Family Video $1 Favorites DVD rental or you were strapped to a chair by your creepy neighbor there still might be some kind of damage already done. This possibility does not grant Hollywood absolution. However, the statute of limitations for legal action may have passed. You may have to seek legal advice on a trusted site like Reddit to determine what case you may have if any.

The List:

John Carter – Was based on a book that most people were not aware of and oblivious they likely remain. I hate to blame Taylor Kitsch because he was well-liked from his TV work, but then portrayed Gambit who you may know from that indie franchise that features Hugh Jackman as a grumpy dude with metal claws. Gambit had a pretty big following and Taylor’s performance left something to be desired by many nerds, myself included. Then, this movie came along with high hopes that didn’t really pan out. It piggybacks on the idea of using the name Jack/John as the male, hero character of a movie. And that particular subject is probably best to save for another time.

Charlie Wilson’s War – Surely this was sold on the cast including Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. In my neck of the woods Charlie Wilson is connected to an appliance store and as far as I know he and his refrigerators were not involved in any wars, not even the Cold War.

Barton Fink – I don’t know what this movie is about, what actors are featured and I don’t remember seeing any advertisements. It is a wonder that I can even recall the existence of the film at this point. Sounds like the name of a whiskey or bourbon. Kessler, Evan Williams, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Elijah Craig, Pappy Van Winkle, and I literally don’t have room to write them all down. Any of these sound better than watching a movie I know nothing about. 

Michael Collins, John Williams, Harry White, Antwone Fisher, Charlie Bartlett, Michael Clayton, Steve Occupations, James Earl Jones, Edward Scissorhands, Crocodile Dundee, Powder, Erin Brockovich, Ted, Ed and Drop Dead Fred. In the words of Seinfeld who sort of said this, but at the same time only said it once yet it was quoted way more as if it was his own catchphrase (was that too much information…), “Who are these people?”

I don’t know why no one asked me about these movies before they were released, but let’s try retitling some of these atrocities:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Old Baby

John Carter – Mars Attacks

Michael Clayton – A Very Clooney Movie

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever – Skip This Movie

Barton Fink – Fart and Sink (Sure it probably has nothing to do with the movie but it has my interest piqued. Sometimes I can’t help myself being so good at this, I just kind of go unconscious like Steph Curry when he starts lighting up the net. I can’t stop it and why would I want to?)

Perhaps one of the worst titled films, let’s not call it a film. Perhaps one of the worst titled movies of all time is Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. This movie surfaced from what I can only assume is the same sewer that Pennywise frequented or maybe that of  the C.H.U.D.s . One fateful weekend while I was working at my local movie theater, wait. Was I working? Can “ushering” a movie and I don’t mean acting like Usher; I mean ripping tickets in half and handing the one part back to the people so they can leave the theater and have proof they purchased a ticket as if anyone really cares. What if they brought their half ticket stub from the previous week and waved it at me with great confidence, as a con artist would? Was I capable of memorizing each person that passed me on the way to the theaters? Was I able to delineate the masses, the lady who had buttery tickets between her knuckles of the same arm she held her popcorn in a headlock or the teenager who had to rifle through his pockets because even though he had been there fifty times he still forgot this was the way of things?

What about the guy who walked out before the movie started and began chatting me up as I was helpless to resist? My post needed tending and I was loath to betray my commission. Yet, when he brandished the knife I found myself at odds. Do my duty, run away or invoke the spirit of my idol Bruce Lee. It turned out my lack of any action at all was indicative not of my unwavering purpose in my work. I was frozen by indecisiveness and hoping the guy was a harmless weirdo. He started explaining (actually mansplaining) the knife sharpener that he invented and carried with him. There was some talk of a 45 degree angle and a great deal about a dark lord, but it was the point at which he began dry-shaving his face that drew my greatest attention. Thankfully, he did not stick me and the time came for the movie to begin. To answer your question, he was there to see 2001’s Planet of the Apes. So the joke is on him. If you are reading this sir, I hope your invention was successful and I enjoyed our conversation about the science of sharpening knives.

There was such minimal interest in Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (as I write the title it feels like it cannot have been a real thing) that during the first two Friday evening shows (that are often the most heavily attended on opening weekend of a movie of this sort) only 8 people bothered to show up. And I assume most of those entered the building and thought this was a different movie. Or maybe a double dog dare was afoot. Or they went to the cinema every week and ran out of other options because it was a couple that chooses a new movie each week and they have a rule that the same movie cannot be picked twice. And he always gets a medium popcorn with layered butter with two large diet Cokes. I’m just guessing. 

By chance, they were fated to the theater showing this monstrous turd of a film. Who was Ecks? Who was Sever? Was this the multiverse? When are we? Why did Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu sign on to this? Money. Yeah, that’s probably the case. Nothing says “this is going to be a great action movie” like a title with an uncommonly used adjective followed by a colon followed by two last names. It feels like someone strung a group of random words together. And don’t forget the “versus” part. This was before that became a trend. I sustain a slight hesitation in saying this movie started that whole idea. I would like to believe the Super Nintendo game Robocop Versus Terminator was the genesis (word play intended) of this kind of mash-up for entertainment purposes. If you ever get the chance you should check it out for the solid gameplay, above average difficulty that will make you want to freeze it in liquid nitrogen and its stellar music. And if you like stellar music, check out the original soundtrack to Interstellar, a movie that has a title that makes a lot of sense and fits the plot. See folks, it doesn’t have to be that difficult.

The number and types of titling issues within Hollywood is bountiful to say the least. So much in fact that I believe it may warrant a future piece. A sequel. A part deux, if you will. Expect a decline in writing quality because that is mostly standard for such works. Or if you are lucky, maybe that rare gem will emerge from the refuse, the follow-up that improves on the original.  But as my buddy Robocop says, “Don’t count on it, Chum.”

The other question that some of you undoubtedly have held in your minds pertains to the first movie I brought up in this discussion. Since I am such a good user of words, what would I call Sorcerer? I have given this a fair bit of thought, certainly at least as much as those involved with that movie did. Jungle Road Truckers. 

To close this foolishness, I would like to present some other titles I took the liberty of renaming for posterity:

Zardoz – The Man Who Would Wear Very Little (seriously, look it up)

The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain – Knotting Hill 2: You Know Hugh 

Rambo: First Blood Part II – Same Rambo: Different Blood

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole – Guardians of the gOwlaxy