Rated M for Movies

I Saw the Signs
7/29/22

“Signs” is kind of a staple of my movie diet. Not just me though, my wife is also very much on board with this so it is a mutual dietary necessity. Part of a balanced nutritional program. It is the sort of movie we watch about once a year. I tend to categorize most of these titles by what I refer to as “frequency watched.” It seems a much more apt way to relate to another person how I feel about the films that are physically in my possession. These would be the ones I am most likely to consume on some variety of recurring basis. There are many other movies that fall outside of this category because I don’t own them. That doesn’t preclude the possibility of giving them a “frequency watched” designation, but “look, it’s all a bit technical, but the important thing is that my company’s future is secure.” Yes, you read that correctly. Let us give our thanks to Batman.

Let’s say you ask me what I think of “Million Dollar Baby.” And why shouldn’t you? Then calculations begin inside my head. You know that meme where Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica has all the mathematical equations, numbers and symbols around her head like Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind” and he was also having a vision of Paul Bettany who also played Vision? You just went on a long journey, but was it worth it? Wait, you don’t know who Starbuck is? You don’t know what Battlestar Galactica is? Oh, friend, we don’t have time for that story now, but maybe I will send Peter Falk to read it to you while you are convalescing in bed sometime. Anyway, that meme is me in this situation. Also, after a rabbit hole dive that wasn’t in my original plans for a Saturday night, it is with deep regret I must inform you that the lady pictured in that meme is not actually Starbuck. This proves how unfortunate the task of writing is because of the research component. I feel like my life is a lie. 

Back to the calculations. First, I am thinking about when I saw the movie, where, with whom, and for why. Quickly scanning through my mind palace like Jane from “The Mentalist”, I must determine if the movie is physically in my house while disregarding the movies that have the person who played Red John. Then, I think about how the “Million Dollar Baby” had an incredible bummer of an ending. I can tell you this without spoiling things; if you didn’t like how “Rocky” culminated, then you will not care for this one’s conclusion. It was, in fact, such a downer that I never saw it again. Next, I suddenly remember the possibility that my brother may have bought the movie for my wife at some point. Agreed, that would be a pretty odd gift. I mean, maybe if you knew the person really liked the movie you could go for it, but still, if a person enjoyed it to that degree they probably would have purchased it already. Right? To double down on the weirdness, he definitely bought her the film “The Pianist” which neither of us ever opened or viewed. We were both aware it was supposedly a great film, but we were also warned that it was super depressing. Self-reflection has taught me I don’t need to see a bunch of movies that are bleak and distressing. I own a few and that’s it. Not counting Pixar/Disney films, which apparently are a type of kryptonite to my emotions. 

Let’s return to the original topic before the waterworks have a chance to start as Coco comes to mind. Too late. I saw “Million Dollar Baby” once. It is a once in my life type of movie. Very solid film, but too depressing. My take away from the movie was: even if you are great at boxing, it is still going to end up killing you or greatly restricting your quality of life. Is that too real for this forum? Why would you need more than two or three of these types of movies in your possession when you have real life to drain you everyday? Whoops, I meant to send that to my therapist. 

On the other end of the spectrum, look at Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Definitely a top 5 movie for me. And it is so watchable while remaining not too disheartening. By frequency, this is about a twice a year movie in my home. That is pretty high up there for me. I know what you’re thinking, “How is T2 not disheartening? That whole franchise offers a glimpse of what could and probably will happen with artificial intelligence in the future when the machines will destroy us all.” True. However, I am pretty confident I will already be gone before that actually takes place. On my list of “things to be worried about because they will probably destroy us,” that one isn’t near the top.

Back to “Signs,” a one time a year joint. It is really the only M. Night property that has made itself into my nutritious and bountiful diet. It has the right combination of being well-acted, well-scripted, with spooky-adjacent vibes and creates a great atmosphere. After having seen bits of “Signs” while working my first job as an usher at a movie theater up through this most recent rewatch, there are a few things that keep coming up and now seems as good a time as any to get them off my chest.

  1. During the scene when Graham, Merrill, Morgan, and Bo each pick a certain meal they want and each person has something different, three of them don’t eat a single bite of the food. Meanwhile Graham rage/cry eats a few bites. As far as we are shown, that’s it. I don’t think I can convey how much this bothers me when it happens in films or television. One or more people have the food/drink right there and then something happens and they don’t get the chance to consume it.

    I have a dedicated list that is currently in the process of being lengthened. It has been on my mind a long time and finally I decided the list needed to be made as proof of how often this situation occurs.  Examples include another Culkin project you may be aware of called “Home Alone.” Kevin makes his frozen dinner mac and cheese, but the clock strikes 9:00 pm and he eats nothing because he has to go torture some criminals.

    In Twister, there are multiple scenes with this nonsense. Melissa picks up two lemonades and when they need to leave the area suddenly, she puts them on top of the truck, forgets them, drives off and they topple to the ground undrank. Later, at the drive-in, both Jo and Bill each order a number of cups of coffee separately, then the titular twister comes through and the coffee is, you guessed it, undrank. It is maddening. This topic will return, stay tuned.

  2. During the scene in “Signs” where they board up the windows and doors inside the house, we see boards have been placed on the upper side and lower side leaving a gap in the middle. Now, I am no expert on survival strategy, home defense, home security or carpentry. However, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express several years ago. Would you not start from the top or bottom and line up each board right up against the next one so as to create a near seamless transition between boards? Would it not potentially create a space in the boards that would be too specific of a size so as to not allow a perfect fit by their chosen method, thus creating a gap between boards that could be a weak point for the aliens to commit interstellar B & E?
  3. If I was going to curate a triple-feature involving “Signs”, what would my other choices be? If we consider “Signs” as the starting point and assume the aliens came back as they discussed was likely to happen in the film, then most of humanity would have been wiped out until we used nuclear devices in which case the world becomes a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Naturally, the second movie would have to be “The Road Warrior” which you might think of as “Mad Max 2”. Mel Gibson’s character would now have been through an alien invasion, lost his family, wandered the desert and ended up in witness protection in the third movie “Bird on a Wire.” He finds a little bit of happiness at the end with Goldie Hawn. At least until she falls overboard and meets her future husband Kurt Russell in “Overboard.” That all makes sense, right? May the Lords of Film prevent anyone from trying this.

    I suppose if you refuse to view projects tied to Mel Gibson, my suggestion would be first listen to “Signs” by Five Man Electrical Band, then watch the movie “Signs” and fast forward through all of his scenes which will greatly reduce the runtime, and finish with “I Saw the Sign” by Ace of Base. Shorter task and no Mel Gibson.

Speaking of signs, this is the part where Wile E. Coyote brings out one that says:

“This is The End.”

12/16/21: after watching The Santa Clause I have decided the only sensible explanation for what happened to the first Santa’s body which disappeared is that he was a Force ghost.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream for More Scream
10/26/21

Recently, I was minding my own business which doesn’t take much effort because this blog is not currently raking in money. And my day job is not a business of which I have any real ownership or responsibility. Truth be told, I was holding my cat like a baby and telling him what a good boy he was. Are you happy now? Is the truth really that important?

Sorry, I feel like I came in a bit aggressive on this one. Let me take a deep breath. Much better. I decided, after babying my cat, that I would write a piece about the Scream franchise. This is not meant to be a thorough review, maybe at a later date I can tackle that idea. No, this is more of a discussion about the films in general, one or two serious points I need to make, and the future of the franchise.

Around the first week of September or when a day that is a little cooler than Sweltering Sun degrees hot occurs, I start feeling the urge to decorate for Halloween and watch them spooky movies. I am going to share a list of the films I have seen since this feeling struck me in early September or June and ending October 24th, 2021. I share this not to brag or boast, not to rub it in the faces of my enemies who do not read this blog, not to worry my friends and family about my mental health which is not great (but that’s not because of these movies, except for maybe Basket Case). Just like that truth about my cat, I am giving you an open view of my world. And as an introvert, that could sometimes be scarier than any movie in this list.

  1. C.H.U.D. The movie with John Heard and Daniel Stern that didn’t involve the words home alone. 
  2. Prom Night
  3. Phantasm
  4. Candyman (1992), I love how we have to put the year after a movie to separate it from later remakes or movies with the same name. Boo. Did you see Assualt on Precinct 13? 76’ or 2005? The Karate Kid? 84’ or 2010? Did you see Wonder Woman 1984? No, I saw Wonder Woman 2017 and Wonder Woman 1984 2020. What about Fear Street Part One: 1994? No, because this joke ran too long and I didn’t have time.
  5. Friday the 13th…(1980)
  6. Friday the 13th: Part 2
  7. Friday the 13th: Part 3
  8. Friday the 13th: Part 4, do yourself a big favor and enjoy these. So simple and entertaining.
  9. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge. The dad in this one is just too out of touch even for a movie. A bird flies around in the house, spontaneously combusts and his two explanations are a gas leak or his teenage son must have put firecrackers in the bird. Not to mention the unplugged toaster fire among other inexplicable phenomena. I hope he received nothing on Father’s Day.
  10. Halloween…but what year? Which version? It had to be…1978.
  11. Sleepaway Camp, but if you dare be prepared for some offensive content and some of the weirdest acting and ending to any movie I’ve ever seen. This movie must have certainly scarred a few people including my wife.
  12. Basket Case, but if you dive into this one there is one scene that is really abhorrent. I hope that word means what I think it means.
  13. Jaws 2
  14. Jaws 3-D
  15. Jaws the Revenge, where you will learn that sharks hold personal grudges on families that kill members of their family, like the mob. They say the original script explains this using some kind of voodoo storyline. Happily, that was not included in the final cut.
  16. The Fog
  17. Willy’s Wonderland. You’d think Nicolas Cage going toe to toe with some demonic animatronic mascots while locked in a building would be a can’t miss. Yet somehow it completely does like most of his hairpieces.
  18. In the Mouth of Madness
  19. Prince of Darkness. 
  20. Scream 2
  21. Scream 3
  22. Scream 4

Ten of these movies were new to me, the others I have seen multiple times. I have a predilection for campy and cheesy horror. And based on when most of these movies came out, I prefer the 80s above all and rarely pick something modern. It’s something about the grain of the video, the questionable acting ability, John Carpenter’s synth-horror scores, the practical effects. That’s what I miss. Horror movies aren’t what they used to be. There I go, sharing too much.

The OG Scream hit me at the exact right time. Although I am sure I would have enjoyed it regardless, I think my age played a role in making a stronger impact. I was eleven when I first saw the movie with my friend, my older brother and his friend as a rental. It really rocked my world, in a good way. And it led to one of my (too many for my own good) celebrity crushes, this one on Neve Campbell. For a final girl, she really flipped the script, so to speak. I cut myself up. Get it? Because the killer uses a knife and I made a pun and we all laughed.

Like any good horror movie, one film became two and then turned trilogy. The sequel was fine, but the third entry, as can be the case, left much to be desired. And left us with many questions. Why dive into a Hollywood-centered plot with mostly characters that we really don’t care about? How does Scott Foley ever get acting work? But mostly, why? Money, I suppose we can safely assume is the answer. 

Some years later, the fourth entry came along. You hear people say Hollywood has completely run out of ideas and with that comes remakes, reboots, and sequels. And I would like to call this film out on a couple of things.

  1. Using the word “meta” to death and applying it to death. I don’t often consider the use of Latin phrases because I don’t know that many and they never seem to slide comfortably off the middle-aged tongue. But since this is the written word, maybe I’ll take a stab at it. Hehe. The phrase, ad nauseam comes to mind. The cold open of the movie is an example. It goes on forever and it is exhausting in both length and meta-ness. The trouble with applying this idea is that it becomes predictable and tedious, but it’s also one of the main reasons OG Scream was so well accepted. So what is there to do? As the computer WOPR would say, the only winning move is not to play.
  2. They take a real shot at nurses and healthcare professionals in this movie. I didn’t notice it the first viewing, but on the second watch it was clearly throwing some shade their way. Spoiler alert (If you don’t want to know some of the details of this movie I suggest you stop now and go read all of my other stuff. Thanks. Bye.) 
    1. When Sidney gets attacked and injured, she goes to the hospital in town. And let me describe a little detail here that is related for later comment. The town is small, has a town square, what appears to be a small town high school, a small police department, and some other things I would describe using the word “small”. Let me also say Sidney has survived being the main target of killers in all three prior movies to this point. After the doctor checks her out, he tells her to take it easy and maybe take a couple weeks off. Wait. Stop everything…

“Take a couple weeks off”? Like, take a couple weeks off getting attacked by a killer? Take a couple weeks off being forced into the sinister plot of two maladjusted teenagers? A local doctor who is familiar with her history and what has happened in the past within this town would surely not resort to that advice. Medical professional diss number one.

  1. Diss number two occurs near the end of the film. Sidney, more seriously injured and the killer end up at the hospital. Sidney is in the ICU, which is depicted as a room with solid walls and a door that you couldn’t see the patient through. I can’t account for the setup of every hospital, but from the several ICUs I have seen, the walls are typically glass with sliding glass doors so the staff can see the patient at all times. There are curtains in the room for when procedures or privacy is needed, but they are only used temporarily. Secondly, when the killer comes into Sidney’s room with no one stopping her, she rips Sidney from the bed and from her twenty-odd wires and leads. This is the kicker. Normally this sort of action would lead to one or more nurses and other staff rushing to the room to determine the cause of the alarms going off. Because they go off in the room and at the nurses’ station. Probably ten minutes of activity happens in the room and no staff ever enter the room to check the situation. This hospital would be dealing with all sorts of violations after this little event.
  2. Oh, and this isn’t on the medical staff, but needs said. One person goes into the hospital parking garage and it has at least six floors. Small town hospital remember? These hospitals don’t usually have six plus floor parking structures. This place isn’t Tokyo. They are not hurting for space at ground level.
  3. Medical staff compliment…Dewey somehow went from having a significant gait abnormality (limp, if you will) after the first movie injuries to having more injuries in the subsequent story to walking almost normal by the fourth movie. The only good explanation is superb service from some excellent physical therapists. No bias here.


That being said, I still enjoyed the movie. Clearly OG Scream is the cream of crop. And the future of the franchise will come down to whoever wants to make a quick buck. It is there for the taking and they have the fifth film in the works. It will probably keep going at least until they send Ghostface to space because it rhymes and it is a natural conclusion. Then they will remake it from the beginning and it will become super-meta.

If you skipped to the end to avoid the spoilers, our friendship is now in jeopardy. Not like the game show, but like the Greg Kihn Band song. Baby. Oooooooooooooh.

Jason vs. TMNT
1/20/21

If Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan taught us anything (and how could it not?), one lesson is that the sewers of New York City are flooded once every evening with toxic waste.  I have no reason to doubt the veracity of this information.  All of the scenes which take place in the city describe it, as best I can tell, just as it may well have been in the late 80s.  From Times Square to the trash-heaped, drug-ridden, slums of the docks where one can find an open container of toxic sludge at will and much like Mordor, the air one breathes is a poisonous fume.  Or at least that’s what I took away from the film.  

Most of my remaining knowledge of New York City, in that time period, comes from the other movies that showcase it.  For instance, Crocodile Dundee 1 and 2 come to mind.  From these works of art I learned the following:

  1. People in NYC will let you walk on their heads in the subway if your endgame is romantic in nature.
  2. They don’t care for people using dynamite to fish, but will let you off with a warning.
  3. At any given time someone is likely to be hanging off the side of a large building.
  4. Reginald VelJohnson left his police post in LA to become a jail guard in NYC where he met the Ghostbusters and eventually a limo driver in NYC who could throw a trunk ornament like a one-way boomerang.
  5. The fancy hotels have bidets.  And I learned what a bidet is.

There was much else to learn from movies such as Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Ghostbusters, Big, and of course, Death Wish 3.  I don’t want you to think I would base every single thing I know about the city on just three movies.  That would be insane.  

Here is where the problem lies.  In the 90s, a new pair of movies came along and provided a look at what was happening below the city streets.  A pair of movies that until now I trusted were providing a legitimate and accurate view of a group of teenagers who fought crappy ninjas and loved pizza.  A view of a group of turtles who were mutated by a mysterious ooze and lived in the sewers.

But this cannot be possible.  Each night the sewers were flooded with toxic waste as we all know.  That is how Jason was turned from a monster to a boy and destroyed.  Spoiler?  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would have been killed right?  If you are following along on the edge of your seat, your anxiety building to an unstable peak, you are not alone.  My friends, the only explanation is that the TMNT films were lying to us.  I know the deception is crushing.  I feel it aching to my bones, especially my stapes.  I hate to be the one to bear this news, to shatter your hopes and dreams.  Know this.  It had to be done.  For us, one and all.  And I took no pleasure in it.  Cowabunga my ass.

Horror Bingo
         10/10/20

I give you an early Halloween gift.  This is simply a game of bingo to play while watching your favorite horror movies this season (and beyond).  Below is a sample game card and then a list of other items to place onto blank cards in whatever arrangement you like.  I just used my mastery of Microsoft Word and added a 5×5 table which I randomly filled with these items.  We tried the game with 4 players using all unique game cards and watched two slasher movies which seemed to work well.  Hopefully, it will translate to other types of horror, but that is up to you now.  It is your game.  I will not be settling any arguments between you and your dad about whether Corey Feldman playing Tommy Jarvis counts as “Creepy Children”.  Part of the fun is to argue and debate.  Play solo, play with friends, play with enemies, play for love, play for money, play hard, play doh.

Fog/Mist Killer POV Creepy Child(ren) Cat Scare Fall While Running
First Boobs Killers’ Reflection Music Warning Kill in House No One Behind Curtain
Power Failure Alcohol Sin Dead Space Going Downstairs to Investigate Crying Character
Weapon: Hammer Boyfriend Red Herring Blood Streaks on Floor Car Won’t Start Badge of Courage
Archetype:

The Jerk

 Killer Unmasked by Protagonist 1st Kill Levitation Killer Origin Story

Woods Kill
Flashback
Upstairs to Investigate
Second Boobs
Sin: Drugs
False-Death of Non-Killer
False-Death of Killer
Kill During Sex
Nightmare
Rain/Wind
Thunder/Lightening
Animal Killed
2nd Kill
3rd Kill
4th Kill
Ambulance
Poor Police Work
Lake
School
Cemetery
Weapon: Bare Hands
Weapon: Knife
Weapon: Gun
Weapon: Machete
Weapon: Piece of Wood
Weapon: Power Tool
Protagonist is Arrested
“I’ll be right back.”
Rats
Maggots/Bugs
Booby Trap Injury
Struggle with Locked Door
Where are the Keys
A Mom Slaps Another Character
Crucifix
Boiler Room
Basement
Mausoleum
Maniacal Laughter
A Mom with Issues
Absurdly Loud Sex Scene
Wall Shadows
Character Hides in Closet
Character Hides Under Bed
Character Up the Wall or On Ceiling
News Cast About the Killing(s)
Electronic Device Works When it Shouldn’t
Flashlight Goes Out Unexpectedly
Candlelight Snuffed Out
Bare Butt
Archetype: Joker
Archetype: Final Girl
Archetype: Skeptic

Badge of Courage (if you personally make it through the movie without closing your eyes or turning away)
——————————————————————————————————————

A Sly Observation                                                                                                                   3/15/20

Number 26 on my current challenge to watch 100 films this year was Nighthawks.  I thought I had pretty solid awareness of Sylvester Stallone’s movies. Though I haven’t watched all of his projects, this one actually went under the radar and I didn’t even know it existed.  So as I was scrolling the innumerable streaming options for a new movie to watch and mostly looking at potential choices in the martial arts genre because that is my Hurt Locker, I was surprised when this title showed up.

Sylvester Stallone, Billy Dee Williams (Lando if you’re nerdy), and Rutger Hauer.  A movie about a terrorist and the cops that chase and try to stop him. Seemed like a home run (I will try to squeeze in a few sports references to remind you of the old days when games were played all the time and to remind you of better times when we weren’t in the middle of the plot of the movie Outbreak).  How could a movie like this exist and I did not know about it? Immediate concern filled my head and pushed out the thoughts of watching any of the films of Jackie Chan, JCVD, Steven Seagal, or Billy Blanks. That’s right, I said Billy Blanks. Oh, you didn’t know? Yes, he appeared in several films that didn’t have Tae Bo in the title.  But more on that another time.

The concern that spread in my mind was that the movie must be a heaping pile of garbage.  It had to be. IT HAD TO BE. Otherwise, I would have known about it, right?  

Spoilers Ahead…

Turns out it was a complete waste of time, like watching baseball.  It was very much the definition of mediocre like my football and basketball teams.  The two best parts of the movie were at both the first and final scenes of the film.  I don’t want to give away everything and you should see these parts for yourself, but let me just say that I was not expecting Sly to be wearing women’s clothing.  And Rutger Hauer, RIP, nails his part. I actually wish they spent a little more time with his character, but it turns out He Who Must Make Twelve Rocky Movies had a hand in cutting some of Hauer’s scenes/footage.  It was his American Debut, just before appearing in a little and somewhat unknown film I think they call Blade Runner.

Here is the really exciting part that I figured out all by myself.  I checked the internet forums to see if anyone came to this realization before me because we all know the greatest minds spend their time writing well-crafted and evidence-laden theories on angelfir/geocities sites.  So here it is. Nighthawks is the prequel to Judge Dredd. I know, such an important discovery on my part. Something that may change the course of humankind, maybe even the universe, like the time Usain Bolt ran real fast.  

Sly’s character is a policeman and policemen have rules.  At least, that’s what Karl’s brother said. Sly is pushed by another character to kill the villain if he has the opportunity, regardless of the scenario.  Sly doesn’t want to do that because he adheres to a code and believes the villain should be brought to justice. The only thing that separates this character from Judge Dredd is the missing line of dialogue, “I am the Law!”  So by the end of the film and what he must do then, he becomes a Judge like what we see in Judge Dredd. He seeks out the bad guys, convicts them and punishes them in one swift stroke.

If you like Judge Dredd and would like to see the origin story, this is for you.  If you would like to see Sylvester Stallone dressed as a woman, see this movie.  

The survival kit for watching Nighthawks…

You will need:

  1. A controller in order to pause the film when Sly shows up in the first scene.
  2. A tissue so you can wipe the tears from your face when Rutger Hauer comes in.
  3. Judge Dredd on VHS or DVD because you are going to want this to be a double feature as it should have been intended.
  4. Your Judge costume, but of course if you have one you are already wearing it.  The question is if you own it because you love Judge Dredd or you love all things Versace?

Q is for Question                                                                                                                     3/10/20

Below is a list of several questions that I wrote probably about 5 years ago.  They are only a small excerpt of the questions that appear in the first chapter of the book I probably won’t get published, the current working title of which is “War and Peace”.  But I am looking into that because some idiot tried to tell me that title already exists as a book and I won’t be able to use it. 

The questions provided here are movie related and we may look to answer some of them in the future.  For today, I would only like to attempt to address one.

Is there a prep course for the Kobayashi Maru?
If Neo had taken the blue pill, would the Matrix have been considered a short film?
Did Rutger Hauer dream of electric sheep?
If the government creates a Zombie Virus pandemic and you are on Medicare, will they cover your treatments?
Did the Terminator put his own arm skin back on or did he need help?
Could two kids hold back a T-Rex with automobile glass and their feet?
Does Tony Stark have a special suit to use just in case he has to fight Magneto?
Has Hayden Christensen always been a soulless robot?
Is Kareem Abdul-Jabaar aware that Morgan Freeman took credit in The Dark Knight for creating the Skyhook?

So now you ask yourself, “Is this what he wastes his time thinking about?”  But my friends, that is not the question I planned to answer today and thus you will have to wait for a response.

Then you ask yourself, “Which of the questions is he going to address tonight?”  I applaud the way you phrase a question.  You would probably make an excellent writer.  Maybe you should try it sometime.

Let me now stop with the stall tactics and get to business.

Has Hayden Christensen always been a soulless robot?

Yes.

Be Like Keaton                                                                                                                         2/13/20

I just came to the realization that I am like one of the characters Michael Keaton portrayed.  No, not Batman.  Not Vulture or Birdman.  Not another flying character if he has done any others.  Not Beetlejuice.  And if you read this out loud, please don’t say that two more times or he will appear.  Not the dude from Multiplicity, which I am thankful for.

If I am comparable to him at any stage, it would be to Jack in Mr. Mom.  And not the character at the start or end of the movie.  I am talking about Jack when he gains about 20 lbs, has a beer gut, grows out his beard, wears a lot of flannel, and that sort of thing.  The part leading up to when he dreams he is a character in a soap opera and he gets shot by his own wife.  And the boss who likes his wife calls him by the wrong name.  I get called by the wrong name all the time at work.  “Eric”.  My name’s not Eric.  Do I look like an Eric?  You are lucky you are my 94 year old patient and my employer frowns up physical violence.

So now you understand my general disposition and physique.  If things go well, I will start a walking group with my local lady friends who I play cards with and right this sinking ship before I end up as a chalk outline on my living room floor.

Diver Gent                                                                                                                                   2/6/20

My brain sort of has its own way of coming up with things that aren’t there, but are there, but seeing them differently than the way they were meant to be seen.  Well said. Some might call it luck, some might call it a learning disability. To better illustrate this thought we should discuss an example. So here is what happened when I heard about a movie called Divergent.  Sometimes when I see the title of a movie or a movie poster, I begin to develop a story in my brain about the movie. For instance, as a child I saw the words Jurassic Park and thought it was a movie about a park full of elderly people.  So mostly people sitting on park benches talking about times that were better than nowadays, how music hasn’t been good since the 60’s, and how much things used to cost. Then, when I finally see the movie, it turns out there is only one old guy and he keeps talking about sparing no expenses.  And there were dinosaurs. So it wasn’t the movie I had created in my mind. Also, I later learned that I had confused the words “jurassic” and “geriatric”. Rookie mistake.  

More recently, I found myself really disappointed when I saw something about the movie “Divergent”.  My brain turned the title into “Diver gent”. So, in my mind, there was going to be a movie about a gentleman diver.  I imagined the following as the premise of the movie. A young guy who is new to town, steps into a saloon. This is the wild west, by the way.  Like “Tombstone”. I will try to fit in an unnecessary amount of 90’s references. Did you hear they are bringing back Dunkaroos?

Anyway, he has a fine handlebar mustache, a hat, a fancy suit, all that old timey crap.  Here is the cool part. He is just like Billy Zane’s character in “Tombstone”, but instead of being an actor, he is a diver.  He draws everyone’s attention because of the way he looks and his charisma. He is Billy Zane, duh. They follow him outside and behind the main street to where he has a pool of water.  Obviously, it is not a pool by modern day standards, but more like an oversized barrel, like the one they used to shoot around the levels on Donkey Kong Country. He then rips off his clothes revealing a swimsuit and causing at least one lady in the audience to faint.  He puts on a swim cap and climbs the building next to the “pool” which is an apothecary run by the town’s “doctor” who still abides by the medical beliefs of the time and likes to give people “tonics” and “elixirs” which do nothing, unlike a real physician like Dr. Quinn.

Anyway, once he climbs to the top, he offers a dramatic pause.  Then he jumps off the roof into the barrel. He pauses dramatically under the water while the crowd waits anxiously, then he resurfaces and bows to applause.  What is the conflict of this story, you ask? Yeah, I didn’t come up with one yet. But based on the genre, it would probably involve Native Americans or outlaws or both.  It seems that is kind of a standard.

You can only imagine my disappointment once I heard what “Divergent” was actually about.  I was so mad, I refused to even watch it. I would like to take this opportunity to give the idea of “Diver Gent” to anyone in the industry who could go ahead and work up a screenplay and get this thing off the ground.  And to be honest, there is no reason I can think of why Billy Zane shouldn’t be in this movie.

For a time I was planning to make this part of the website be videos of my cats with providing voice-over from the “cat” point of view regarding movies.  It was going to be amazingly funny, obviously.  But once Buttercup died, I couldn’t follow through with that idea.  So for a long time, this page sat in disuse.  Like the Sword That Was Broken, I have reforged the page and plan to start giving it some attention.  I have already made a Lord of the Rings reference, so for a page dedicated to movie discussion, I am off to a good start.

Now that 2020 has begun, I came up with plan to watch 100 movies this year.  Also, since I am trying to make up for being selfish and often choosing the movies I want to see, I have asked my wife to pick the majority of the movies this year with no restrictions.  I know.  It is a scary thought.  Although we agree on classic action and sci-fi genres, there are a huge number of titles she has mentioned an interest in watching and I have acted like I didn’t hear her.  Smooth.  So expect to see some movie related content on this page regarding the 100 movie challenge among other thoughts.  Stay tuned…

Anticipated Reviews

John Wick 3

I haven’t seen John Wick 3, but I would like to go ahead and anticipate the review I would give it. True, I haven’t seen John Wick 2 either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t already know what is going to happen in the movie.  I could tell after I saw the original.  Sure, I couldn’t guess the finer plot points and tell you in what setting John would be racking up headshots.

I saw John Wick in 2018.  Yes, I was late to the game.  Come at me, Bro.  It was enjoyable.  It had many of the bits I like to see in movies: gun play, hand to hand combat, odd hair choices, fancy clubs, fancy hotels, Keanu Reeves.  Isn’t that enough?  I would like to think it is.  But I asked myself what was missing from this fine film?  What would make the sequels better or at least different?  Then I heard the title of the third film and I realized they knew exactly what they were doing.

The missing piece was MATH.  That’s why I am excited to see John Wick Chapter 3: Parabolas.  I may not catch it until 2020, but by then the anticipation will be exquisite.  It makes sense really.  They spend so much time shooting bullets and as we all know from math and physics, projectiles follow a parabolic motion.  So I expect them to dig really deep into the physics of the gun play in this third chapter.  Frankly, I haven’t been as excited about science in a movie since Mad Max: Beyond Thunderstorms.  But this will be better because of Keanu.

I will leave you with a final thought.  Why are so many action heroes named John?  I know it is a popular name and all, but seriously.  John McClaine, John Wick, John Rambo, John Matrix, Johnny Storm, Johnny Cage, John Connor, not to mention those named Jack including Jack Burton, Jack Reacher, Jack Traven, Jack Ryan, Jack Slater, etc.  And let’s not get into the reason why Jack is a nickname for John.  We can leave that for John Wick 4: Etymology.

Coming Soon

I now realize that “coming soon” is misleading because it is way past soon and even past later.  What I should have said was that I have 2 kids and many excuses.  You can take your pick from the following list and maybe one day I will get past them all and post one of these reviews.

Excuses:
1. Children
2. Work
3. Exercise
4. Personal to-do list
5. Wife’s to-do list
6. The amount of time it takes to produce a video in my home using cheap computer software.
7. House cleaning
8. Writing a book
9. The weather
10. Kitty Cooperation

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