People often use the “first born” to the describe the oldest/first child they have. And yet, you never hear someone say “second born”. So is that a weird flex or what?

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Just wanted to let everyone know I have reached my main parenting goal. Without any external cues or subliminal messaging, my kids will now sing (out of nowhere), “O, O, O, O’Reilly, auto farts.” Guess my work here is done.

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Accountant: So you’ve marked “married” and you have 2 dependents…

Ed O’Neill: Don’t say it.

Accountant: Married with Children.

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If Elsa from Frozen and Frozone from The Incredibles had a kid, it would be Ice Cube.

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Turns out the Astros weren’t trying to cheat by stealing signs, they were practicing for an off-season performance with Stomp.

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If my mom and dad getting together was destiny, then that makes me Destiny’s Child.  Say my name, say my name.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________I contacted a company about a piece of equipment. I asked them what the weight capacity was. They responded, “what state do you live in?” I responded, “Does it have a different weight depending on what state it’s in?”

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I know the La Leche League has groups around the United States, but I don’t think it’s for me.  However, if someone could let me know if there is a Dulce Le Leche League, I would really like to join.

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Little known fact about Pavlov. He did the first experiment with the bell using cats, but they just continued lying around cleaning themselves.

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Last time I was in Texas,  I looked behind me, but there wasn’t a Ranger.

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Using a groundhog to predicts future weather patterns is like basing your future financial wealth on a blind soothsayer who reads “the bones” off a dirty metal serving platter.

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In Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, many people found that up until the last five minutes, the movie was pretty solid.  Then, the aliens showed up and that ruined the movie.  For me, the movie was ruined when he survived an atomic bomb at close range by hiding in a fridge.  Even if you think the fridge would survive the blast, there is no way his own skull doesn’t get crushed as the fridge is thrown a hundred feet and slams into the ground.  Sorry, Indy.

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I feel kinda bad for people who have a fear of long words because the condition is called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.  Really?  There wasn’t a shorter word they could come up with?  Seems like someone had a vendetta there.